Dolphin With Rabies

Life on beautiful Cape Cod.

Friday, May 02, 2003

Marina's Dreams

I had very strange dreams last night, of which I only remember two.

In the first, I was a beautiful, fully transitioned early transexual woman. I worked as a showgirl in France, and was one of the first recipients of sex re-assignment surgery. (This is all more or less historically accurate by the way.)

In the dream, I was happy that I was so beautiful and men liked me, but sometimes I felt like empty inside, especially when I couldn't be sure if a man liked me because I was "an exotic freak" or because he perceived me as a real woman. Still, I was happier to be where I was then I ever had been as a guy.

Curiously in the dream, I had a dual-consciousness thing going. As my dream self, I had all the anxieties common to young transexual women, but my waking self had some awareness as well, and was noting that the worries about men's motivations, and feeling that people didn't really know who you were, were all similar to my waking self's worries and concerns as a natal woman. Very strange.

It probably comes from the fact that I know something about transexual and transgender issues, and I don't view ts or tg people as "other", I view them as grappling with many of the same worries everyone has, but with additional extreme circumstances.I may be unrealistic and sound like I'm playing down the very unusual situation of being transexual, but I think it's ultimately more useful to view certain aspects of it as being on a great continuum of human experience. I dunno, I feel like I'm putting this all very badly...I may reword this post if I can think of better language to do so.

On a lighter note, my second remembered dream had to do with seeing a distant cousin (not really, but in the dream) at a family gathering, someone I only saw once in a great, great while, and feeling instant attraction between the two of us. (It wasn't skeevy, in the dream set-up, we were definitely peers, and the family thing was almost irrevelevant.)

For some reason, neither one of us wanted to be bold and act directly on the attraction, but there was a lot of the playful resting hands on each other shoulders and other types of light touching you do when you're attracted to someone but aren't quite ready to act on it yet. Incredibly erotic! Almost at the very end of the dream, he did was some wonderful chewing on my ears and whispering appreciative comments, and I remember feeling guilty that I was letting this guy nibble on my ears even though I'm a married woman, but it felt so good that I only wanted it to continue. (I realize this dream makes me sound like a total sleazeball, but I swear I'm not in real life.) He was also a Brit (no, I'm not related to any Brits), and the two of us were sitting together drinking, and I had the worst time trying to make out his increasingly slurred whispers in my ear, but I absolutely didn't want him to stop.

Much to my shock, when I awoke, I realized my dream cousin Brit looked strikingly like Handy Andy from Changing Rooms! I don't think I have any sort of crush on this person in real life, but I will not be able to watch the show without blushing for a good month or so.