(posted with permission from MassEquality.org mailing list)
In Boston today gay heathen revelers celebrating the begining of state sanctioned gay marriage danced naked around a specially comissioned golden calf while singing "I wanted gay marriage and I GOT none, I fought the law and I WON, I fought the law and I won!" Marcus Rutlidge who caste the ten foot high solid gold statue looked on in amazement.
"We never thought it would get this far!" he said with tears coming to his eyes, "Our quest to destroy marriage has taken a huge leap forward!" Rutlidge acquired enough 24 karat gold for the statue by melting down discarded wedding rings he found on the street and in peoples' trash. He noted,
"Well once we succeded in making marriage meaningless the symbol of marriage, the wedding ring, became meaningless too. I guess people just got tired of wearing them and tossed them out." Rutlidge then disrobed and joined the dancers around his creation.
President John Thompson of the Americans for Socioreligious Sensibility (A.S.S.) expressed outrage,
"I'm deeply offended and saddened by what has happened here today. This is going to destroy the families of millions of Americans. Why if my wife wasn't already an ex-lesbian she might leave me for another woman!"
Thompson's fear is not without merit. Reports from around the globe indicate hundreds of thousands of husbands and wives have simply walked away from their spouses and families. Hazel Williams who left her husband of fifty years this morning commented on her reasoning.
"When I was a girl people got married for life, but now that gays can get married the wedding vows I made before God, and my Family aren't as special as they used to be. That's what marriage is all about: feeling more special than a bunch of fags and carpet munchers. Now that that's gone there really is no reason I shouldn't leave the man I've loved since highschool and abandon my children and grandchildren."
Father Aldus Winslow who heads the Massachussetts Advocate Society for Theological Reverance of the Bible, 8th Section (MASTRB8S) said,
"This is an abomination against God and nature! God doesn't care that two people who love each other are willing to make a lifelong committment to be faithful to one another, all he cares about is that one guy doesn't get turned on by another guy in the shower that time when I was in highschool. Fags are all about destroying marriage and society!" When asked his opinion on lesbian marriage Father Winslow replied,
"Nah, that's cool if two chicks wanna get it on as long as they aren't ugly and fat."
Radical Gay Rights Activist Ted Pinkerton and his fiancee (unnamed) expressed smug satisfaction at the news of today's gay marriages.
"Its time to come clean. Yeah the Christians were right, we had no intention of getting married we just wanted to ruin it for them, that's been the plan all along." His fiancee agreed,
"After struggling for 30 years for the right not to be arrested, beaten and killed for being what we are I can think of no better way to celebrate gay marriage than to NOT get married and continue to be promiscuous, depressed and self-destructive. And hey if that drags down society too then I'm all for it!"
Cecil Ruben who works in Boston's records department confirms that same-sex marriage licenses are simply not being filed.
"We had a couple male applicants who came in looking for the 'some-sex' licenses so they could score some chicks...won't they be surprised when they find out what they were really signing!" Ruben then cackled ruthlessly and put up his "next window please" sign.
Statewide issuance of same-sex marriage licenses has been light. Applicants for opposite-sex divorce have swamped all Massachussetts townships leading the Governor to declare a state of emergency.
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